Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 10)

Well, we're ten volumes in and it's frankly amazing that I haven't developed a drinking problem at this point. I think four more of these will see us through and out the other side so I get can back to sunshiney Sweet Valley and whatever else happens to catch my attention and/or ire.

 (Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9)


So Ana is now trapped in the office kitchen with Jack, her very creepy boss who rambles on about how he had to fight for her to get her job and that he looked through her work email account but the only personal emails were from her to Christian and all of Christian's replies were deleted. So remember earlier when Christian kept giving out to Ana, telling her to use her Blackberry instead of emailing him through her work address, even though he kept fucking replying to it? He had one of his shady IT minions go into the server and delete all his emails to her, but left Ana's replies there, which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. But logic is a bonerkiller in these books, so never mind that.

Anyway, Jack accuses her of being a corporate spy and tries to blackmail her for sex. Then he weirdly calls her a "cock-blocking prick tease", which makes me wonder if he actually knows what cock-blocking means. He gets increasingly horrible and rapey, until Ana eventually knees him in the balls and runs away. Although not before snarling "Have a nice trip. And in the future, get your own damn coffee" at him. Which just seems foolish. I mean if you've just managed to stop a sex attacker, don't stand around being quippy, get the fuck out of there. Leave the snappy dialogue to Buffy.


Ana runs outside the office and collapses on the footpath outside, where Christian and Taylor have been waiting. However, instead of actually being concerned for Ana, Christian is furious because someone else tried to play with his toy. Taylor runs into the office building, presumably to bring the pain as only Taylor can, and Christian goes to follow him. Ana pleads with him not to leave her, and when she tells him that Jack has her personal emails to Christian, he calls up his guy to delete them and snarls "I am so mad at you right now" at his girlfriend who, moments ago, was ALMOST ASSAULTED.

He's so angry with her that "a frisson of fear" runs through Ana.

"This is Very Angry Christian. I've not seen him this mad before. He's barely holding on to his self-control."

Wowww and I'M barely holding on to my knickers. Is there ANYTHING sexier than a romantic hero whose anger terrifies his girlfriend? And when you read a line like "He narrows his eyes at me. He punches a number into his Blackberry" and you genuinely wouldn't be all that surprised if "a number into his Blackberry" was replaced by "Ana in the face", you KNOW you're onto a winner.

He then leaves her in the car and joins Taylor and eventually the two of them re-emerge with Jack holding a storage box in the universal sign for "just been sacked".

"Opening the driver's door, Christian slides smoothly into the seat, presumably because I am in the front, and Taylor gets in behind me."

Wise move, Grey. Couldn't have Taylor sitting beside Ana, seeing as his raw sexual magnetism would have Ana hopping onto his lap and riding him the whole way to Escala. Christian is cranky with Ana the entire way back, until he pounces on her in a sex-rage while they're in the lift. "I taste his relief, his longing, and his residual anger while his tongue possesses my mouth." Er, lovely.

"He said you kicked him in the balls." Christian's tone is lighter with a trace of admiration, and I think I'm forgiven.

FORGIVEN. FOR ALMOST BEING ATTACKED. WELL YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY MARRY THIS GUY, HE'S SUCH A FUCKING CATCH.

However, all of ten seconds passes before the next argument, when Ana brings up her Friday hangout with José. Christian doesn't like it of course, but finally concedes that José can stay in his apartment for the night so he can "keep an eye on him", presumably while keeping a samurai sword pointed at José's chest at all times. Then Christian has to go do some work, so he leaves Ana to wander around the apartment, bored out of her mind, because she has none of her own stuff there and Christian's apartment is where fun comes to die.

She eventually finds the door of the playroom and discovers that it's open, so she goes in to have a look around.

"It's as I remember it. A womb-like room."

A womb like room in which he bangs women that look like his mother.


Ana is looking through a drawer full of butt plugs when Christian arrives in and suddenly she's scared of him again, because she feels like she's trespassing, oh and she also tosses out this little gem:

"You're always mad at me."

Now there's an indicator of a healthy relationship if ever I saw one. Anyway, Christian then says "Am I angry with you all the time? I wasn't this morning." Oh YEAH, there were those ten minutes earlier that day when he wasn't scowling or snarling or hissing at her. His mouth didn't even harden into a grim line, I mean how is that not enough for this broad? For real though, he's angry with her almost as often as I am, and THAT'S all the time.

So Ana continues her tour of the sex toy press, finding a set of anal beads, which Christian then explains to her.

Oh! I examine them with fascinated horror. All of these, inside me...there!

Now come on Ana, if you're going to start referring to your asshole as "there", when that's already what you call your vagina, things are going to get very confusing. Eventually, Ana comes across a spreader bar, decides she likes the idea of this one, so it's riding time. Christian carries her to the bedroom, while Ana's inner goddess "pole vaults from the bunker onto her chaise longue" (unfortunately she doesn't land on her head and break her fucking neck) and if you'll excuse me a moment, there's some rum over there that I need to be pounding right about now.

They eventually get to the bedroom after Christian compares his proclivity for whips 'n chains to alcoholism (i.e. A DISEASE. Go fuck yourself, EL James) and there's SO MUCH shite-talk and terrible flirty banter, it's just unbearable. To be honest, this book's greatest crime, apart from the awful, repetitive writing, the romanticising of an abusive relationship, the complete misunderstanding of BDSM relationships and the central characters that you'd happily set fire to, is that it's...

SO

FUCKING


BORING.


They eventually get to the bedroom and Christian sets about strapping Ana's ankles at either end of the bar.

Reaching down he grasps the bar and twists it so I flip on to my front. It takes me by surprise.

It takes her by surprise? I would expect so, seeing as he's probably broken both of her fucking ankles right there. Either that or this is proof that Ana has actually been a plank in a bra this whole time, seeing as human bodies don't just flip over like that. Certainly not the ones with spines, anyway.

Banging ensues, followed by sleep, followed by morning banging, during which Christian somehow manages to kiss Ana "chastely" while fingering her, defying all logic and the very definition of the word chaste. Right before all of this though, Ana makes note of Christian's "dazzling, all-American-drop-dead-male-model-perfect-teeth smile". Good lord. So many hyphens. So much terrible.


Ana finally gets to drive her new Saab to work, although Christian comes with her so he can point to the ignition and tell her that's where the key goes (he actually does this) and not let her listen to the radio because he wants her to concentrate. Even though she's been driving for years and he's not her dad. Christian has arranged for the two of them to meet his therapist, Dr. Flynn, that evening, because Ana wants to ask him a bunch of questions about Christian that completely contravene doctor-patient confidentiality.

Before all that though, Ana has to go to work and is immediately summoned to Elizabeth the HR lady's office, who wants Ana to fill in for Jack until they find a replacement. Ana, who has been working there FOR A WEEK AS AN ASSISTANT in her first job out of college and spends all her time sending idiotic emails to her jerk boyfriend is now acting commissioning editor. Elizabeth assures her that she'll be well able (my HOLE) and praises her "shrewd mind". Everyone in this book falls over themselves to tell Ana how clever she is, despite there being absolutely no evidence of that. Anywhere. There's cheese in my fridge that has more intelligence than Ana Steele.

She sits down in her new office and calls Christian, telling him the news and asks whether he had anything to do with it. He says he didn't, but Ana asks again as she's not entirely convinced.

He is silent for a moment, and then he says in a low menacing voice. “Do you doubt me? It angers me that you do.”

Boyfriend! Of! The Year! Why be reassuring and sound when you can be menacing and angry and generally act like a cuntbucket rage-monster! Also, fuck this guy right in his facehole. He tries to control literally every aspect of Ana's life, so it's not exactly beyond the realms of possibility that he's still pulling strings on her career, seeing as HE BOUGHT THE FUCKING COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR. I mean it's not as if her asking the question is coming out of nowhere, considering his past behaviour. The prick.

Ana apologises (ARGH. TEXTBOOK ABUSIVE BULLSHIT) and they murmur at each other for a while. No, really.

“Okay,” I murmur. “I’d better go. I have to move offices.”
“If you need me. I mean it,” he murmurs.


Murmurmurmurmur. They are constantly murmuring and muttering and whispering and JUST FUCKING ENUNCIATE ALREADY. It's amazing that anyone can hear a word they say.

It's actually out of control. Check this out:

Amount of times people "murmur": 100
Amount of times people "whisper": 100
Amount of times people "mutter": 100

ONE HUNDRED TIMES. EACH. WHAT IS HAPPENING.


Anyway, Ana's new job entails a lunchtime meeting, but she was supposed to meet Mia for lunch that day. Conveniently, Ethan turns up at the office right before Mia does, to see if Ana wanted to get lunch with him, because Ana is just so in demand and interesting as a person, so she pawns Mia off on him and everybody's happy because they're both hot and therefore immediately into each other.

When Ana gets back from her meeting, Christian has sent her flowers, kicking off some more emailing back and forth and OH YAY I was HOPING there'd be more sexy and hilarious and witty emails. That's JUST what this book needs. After work, Ana wonders what to get Christan for his birthday that weekend, sudden inspiration hits her and she runs into a nearby souvenir shop. Before going into Dr. Flynn's office, Ana hands Christian the wrapped present and tells him he can't open it until Saturday. I suppose EL James has to manufacture suspense somehow now that Leila has been taken care of. I for one can't wait to find out what it is.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 9)

While I've been doing these recaps/hatchet jobs, I've also been reading The Handmaid's Tale for the first time and it's been making me even less patient with this series, if that's possible. I know it's probably unfair to compare the two, but fuck that, we're not here for fair. The fact that both can be referred to as books doesn't sit right with me. You see, The Handmaid's Tale is an actual book and a compelling and beautifully written one at that. Fifty Shades of Grey is a badly rendered doodle of a cock on the back of a Tesco receipt. Although there's more intrigue and plot in a Tesco receipt, so maybe that's not fair either. To receipts, I mean. Every word in The Handmaid's Tale is so deliberate and filled with purpose and atmosphere, whereas Fifty Shades of Grey feels like it was written through the medium of EL James smashing her face off the keyboard. And it's one of the best selling series of all time. ALL FUCKING TIME.

And with that, onwards we go to Volume 9.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8)


So Ana has arrived into her and Kate's apartment, only to find Leila standing there with a gun. SUPER TENSE MOMENT. And the first thing we're told is "My subconscious swoons into a dead faint, and I don’t think even smelling salts will bring her back." Because what we really want to know at this actually quite interesting turn of events is how Ana's stupid fucking imaginary friend is doing.

Ana proceeds to have a weird, strung-out conversation with Leila, who talks like a sad house-elf, caresses her gun and says things such as "Master is a dark man, but I love him." Ana wonders where Ethan is and hopes that Leila hasn't hurt him. Suddenly, Christian bursts into the room with Taylor behind him, which makes me wonder why he's wasting Taylor's goddamn time by employing him as a bodyguard if he's just going to burst into dangerous situations before him like that.

Taylor. Every day.
When she sees Christian, Leila freezes and he stares her down, then mouths something to her which causes her to drop to her knees in a submissive pose, the pose that Christian made Ana get into in the first book when he brought her to the playroom. It's CHILLING because it looks like Christian has brainwashed this woman. However, empathy isn't exactly Ana's strong suit.

Christian’s expression is raw, full of some unnamed emotion. It could be pity, fear, affection...or is it love? No, please, not love!

Christian tells Ana to go downstairs, like four times in a row but she doesn't want to leave him alone with Leila because she's worried that the unwashed, unwell, crazy woman with a gun IS GOING TO STEAL HER BOYFRIEND. FOR REAL.

Taylor ends up carrying Ana down the stairs to the ground floor where they meet Ethan, who has only just arrived. Once he's been filled in on the situation, he reacts like a normal person and asks if anyone has called the police, although Ana replies “No, it’s not like that” despite the fact that it's fucking exactly like that and the cops should have been called back when Leila first broke into Christian's place and tried to kill herself. But then that would resolve this whole dumbass subplot and would deprive us of all this needless dicking around.

Ana and Ethan go for a drink in the bar across the road where they just talk about Ana and her problems because she's the most important and interesting person in the whole world. Ana eventually gets back to Christian's apartment, to find Christian freaking out because he couldn't find her and she had left her bag in his car so he couldn't even track her whereabouts through her phone WHICH IS SOMETHING HE ACTUALLY SAYS. FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF CHRISTIAN.

Then Ana has another "I can't be what you need me to be" moment and tries to go so she can think things through and have a bit of space. Christian panics because he thinks she's leaving him altogether because these two fucknuts can't communicate AT ALL and in his desperation, Christian drops to his knees in the submissive pose from earlier and it's framed as this huge end-of-chapter cliffhanger.

Holy Fuck...Christian. The submissive.

It's actually so stupid that I just want Ana to laugh at him and kick him in the face. Instead, Ana stands there, appalled, thinking that it's "so wrong" and "so disturbing" that Christian is acting like a submissive, which is just a whole extra layer of gender stereotyping bullshit on this already crap-filled cake.

The thought of me dominating anyone is appalling. The thought of dominating Christian is nauseating.
 

This whole chapter is pretty much EL James saying a big judgmental and wildly misguided fuck you to people who partake in BDSM activities. Christian and Ana then have this long meandering conversation that goes nowhere and involves Ana prattling on about herself and it takes FUCKING AGES for anything new to happen, because at this stage we've been put through their "Don't leave me! - I won't leave, I love you, don't leave me!" conversations about a thousand goddamn times by now. Eventually the big reveal is Christian admitting that he likes to whip and fuck brown-haired girls like Ana "because you all look like the crack whore". Haaa! He's an actual motherfucker. I can't even begin to imagine how utterly insulting this must be to the BDSM community though. For real.

Ana's all "my poor damaged broken Fifty!" and then lashes out, calling him a sicko, there's some more repetitive "don't leave me! - I won't, don't leave me!" assholery before Christian reveals that Ana's magic vagina has cured him of his sadistic needs and ASKS HER TO MARRY HIM.

Ana wants time to think about it seeing as they've known each other FOR FIVE WEEKS and says she's tired and hungry and just wants to go to bed. Then there's this tiny sequence of events that don't actually mean anything but drove me fucking crazy reading it. Within half a page, Ana mentions that she's hungry, Christian says "you're hungry?", Ana replies that yes, she is. So having established that Ana is in fact hungry, Christian microwaves some macaroni and cheese for her and within that same half page, Ana suddenly comes out with “Christian, I’m really not hungry.”

JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST. Apparently EL James can't keep her own godawful story straight within HALF A FUCKING PAGE. I HATE EVERYTHING.

While they're eating their microwaved pasta, Ana asks Christian what he did with Leila in the apartment when they were left alone and hey it was no big deal, just the most inappropriate thing you've ever heard in your life.

"We talked, and I gave her a bath.” His voice is hoarse, and he continues quickly when I make no response. “And I dressed her in some of your clothes. I hope you don’t mind."

First of all, those were probably Kate's clothes seeing as Ana doesn't appear to have any of her own and secondly, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? Both of these idiots are raging jealousy-monsters, but Christian thought it'd be totally fiiine to give the ex-girlfriend that both looks like and tried to kill his now-girlfriend some naked bath-time and dress her in Ana's clothes? NOT. COOL. Ana then runs off crying and falls to the bathroom floor, bawling her eyes out in super dramatic fashion.

Christian doesn't understand the concept of giving someone space, so he's over there like a shot, pulling Ana into his arms and finally carrying her to bed. Ana wakes up in the middle of the night and gets up for a drink. She's gone for all of five minutes when she suddenly hears a shout from the bedroom and runs back in to find Christian having a nightmare. Because she wasn't there. She literally can't get up for a drink in the night without him freaking the fuck out IN HIS SLEEP. JESUS. Get a grip Christian, you PAIN IN THE GEE.

Once Ana wakes him up from the nightmare, he gets all gropey, but suddenly the thought of her looking like his mother has put Ana off the idea of some midnight banging. So she asks Christian to stop, as she needs some time to process all the loopy shit that's gone down in the last 24 hours and because he respects Ana and her wishes SO MUCH, he stops. No, wait...

“Christian... Stop. I can’t do this,” I whisper urgently against his mouth, my hands pushing on his upper arms.
“What? What’s wrong?” he murmurs and starts kissing my neck, running the tip of his tongue lightly down my throat. Oh...
“No, please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please.”
“Oh, Ana, don’t overthink this,” he whispers as he nips my earlobe.


Oh yeah, I forgot that he's TERRIBLE AND I HATE HIM. Then follows another dumb sex scene, where Christian says “You are going to unman me, Ana” and like, who the actual fuck talks like that? Seriously? And this is actually the second time he's said that in this book. I gave him a pass the first time around because there are only so many things I can make fun of in this hape o' shite but COME ON. However, Ana is finding it hard to come, because of the whole not being into having sex in the first place thing, not to mention almost being murdered and whatnot, but it's fine because CHRISTIAN TELLS HER TO COME AND SHE MAGICALLY DOES. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW VAGINAS WORK.

Also, within four pages Christian is described as being wrapped around Ana "like a vine", Ana clings to him "like a vine" and Christian is then wrapped around her "like ivy". Just. Stop. After the sexing, Christian says how serious he is about marrying Ana.

"We can get to know each other then."


Ana is late for work the next morning so Taylor drives her super fast across the city to get there and by now Taylor looks like Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad in my head for some reason. Just a stone-cold badass dude. Ana ends up being fifteen minutes late and when Jack snaps at her not to let it happen again and orders her to type out some letter for him she genuinely thinks to herself "Why’s he so mad? What’s his problem? What have I done?"

She then proceeds to send stupid fucking emails over and back to Christian for about half an hour and takes a personal call from José, who wants to deliver the giant portaits of Ana to Seattle because his show is closing and he wants to meet her for a drink and is also hoping for a place to crash. Ana then wonders how she's going to handle this with Christian, because if your boyfriend is going to give you "a truckload of grief" (HER ACTUAL WORDS) for meeting a friend and giving them a couch to sleep on then you should DEFINITELY marry him.

“Ana!” Jack pulls me abruptly out of my reverie. Is he still mad? “Where’s that letter?”
“Er - coming.” Shit. What is eating him?


YOU ARE THE WORST ASSISTANT IN THE WORLD. THAT IS WHAT'S EATING HIM, YOU TURD.

Then Ethan calls her and wants to collect keys from her again although I don't know why she doesn't just lend him her keys altogether as it's not like she can go and spend a night at her apartment without Christian throwing himself off the top of Escala in ridiculous despair. So that's two personal calls, a friend dropping by the office, incessant emails to her boyfriend instead of working, all on top of her being late into the office and Ana just CAN'T UNDERSTAND why Jack is being short with her today. It's like we're meant to think that Jack is being unreasonable and punishing Ana for having a boyfriend, when the reality of the situation is that she's fucking terrible at her job.

Jack sends her out to get his lunch and because she's actually been kinda working, there are three unopened emails from Christian on her phone, the last one of which is essentially PLEASE ANSWER ME WHERE ARE YOU ARE YOU OK. She's at WORK you fucking MORON. I SWEAR TO GOD. Ana rings Christian so he won't file a missing persons report (Ha! As if he'd actually go to the cops!) and at the end of their conversation they do that "you hang up...no YOU hang up" thing that everyone stopped doing once they got past the age of fourteen.

Ana then goes to Starbucks for her lunch, (which is a latte - altogether now... YOU MUST EAT ANA) and thinks about what a "good man" Christian is (HA!) and how he's "entitled to unconditional love" (the fuck he is), before she starts to wonder which clothes of hers Christian gave Leila to wear.

"I hope it wasn't the plum dress. I like that."

THAT WAS KATE'S FUCKING DRESS. I HATE YOU SO MUCH + NOW HATING YOU ON KATE'S BEHALF. HATE FRENZY.

Suddenly Ana realises that her lunch hour has run over, so she rushes back to the office and when Jack is all snarly with her, she thinks about what a bastard he is. Worst. Employee. Ever. Then she gets a call from Mia, telling her that it's Christian's birthday that weekend and there's going to be a party at his parents' house. Then there's another round of MOTHERFUCKING EMAILS where Ana asks what he wants for his birthday and it immediately devolves into lame sex innuendo, coupled with Christian telling her to stop emailing him with her work address and to use her Blackberry. Even though he replies to that address every time. JUST FUCKING TEXT EACH OTHER YOU ASSHOLES.

Jack is leaving for New York that night and it's just him and Ana in the office that evening. Christian is collecting her at 6.30, but when Ana goes into the kitchen because she's suddenly realised she hasn't eaten all day (give me a fucking break), Jack follows her in, closes the door and decides to get creepy as all get-out.

"Now...are you going to be a good girl and listen very carefully to what I have to say?"

RUH ROH. How will the intrepid Ana get out of this one, seeing as she has all the intelligence of a toothbrush? Tune in next week!

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 8)

Alright! With minimum preamble, let's DO THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7)


The promised spanking and banging ensues, after around three and a half pages of "witty" banter and meandering build-up, during which Christian refers to Ana's "delectable derriere" which makes him sound like the 13th Duke of Wybourne from The Fast Show and Ana gets all graphic up in our grills with "He kisses me...there."

I stand paralyzed like a complete zombie, my heart pounding, my blood pumping, not actually able to move a muscle.

Oh GODDAMMIT EL James, don't make me come over there. The whole POINT of a zombie IS THAT THEY MOVE. THAT IS WHY THEY'RE SCARY. THEY ARE DEAD BODIES THAT CAN SHUFFLE AFTER YOU AS YOU WATCH IN MOUNTING HORROR.

And sometimes they can dance really well.
Christian tells her they won't be using a safe word, because "lovers don't need safe words" apparently, which is an incredibly stupid thing to say. Who the fuck else would you be using a safe word with? The bank manager? "Just fill out this form here." "Avocado! AVOCADO!" It's also pretty insulting to couples who do engage in BDSM as it implies that they don't love each other. Dick move, EL.

Before going to bed for the night, Ana asks Christian if Sawyer can just bring her as far as the door when he accompanies her to work the next day, which is what I assumed would be the case anyway and Christian grumpily agrees. Which makes me wonder what the original plan was, I mean did he expect Sawyer to sit at her desk beside her all day like a spare tool?

Ana gets into the office and of course there's an email from Christian, because it's been all of half an hour since they've spoken to each other. In it, he says "I hope you never leave, ever", which is apparently his way of asking Ana to move in with him. They've known each other for all of FIVE WEEKS even though it feels like around ten years. And since the start of this book only three goddamn days have passed, because time moves at a glacial pace in this universe.

Anyway, Ana says they can talk about it later and then Jack, her boss, interrupts the incessant emailing to inform her that he's going to New York later that week for a conference and he needs her to come with him. Ana's first thought is, of course, that Christian isn't going to like it, but she emails him to let him know and he immediately comes back with "If it's with the sleazeball you work with, then the answer is no, over my dead body." Even though she wasn't fucking asking for his permission in the first place.

Ana tells him to cop the fuck on and trust her and in the meantime she gets an email from Elena, asking again to meet her for lunch sometime. There are eighteen emails in this one chapter. EIGHTEEN. JESUS CHRIST. Suddenly Jack comes barging out of his office, telling Ana not to book any flights because orders have come from "up top" right that second that all company spending has to be pre-approved by senior management. Ana immediately knows it's Christian wading in to stop the New York trip, because he's a controlling fucknugget. They argue about it over more annoying emails (all through her work email, by the way, because she's a fucking dope), during which Ana tells him about Elena's message and then Jack tells Ana she has to work late.

When everyone else has gone home, Jack comes over to Ana's desk and proceeds to be super fucking creepy.

He tucks a strand of hair that's come loose from my hair tie behind my ear and gently caresses the lobe.


He eventually backs off when Ana tells him that her boyfriend is Christian Grey, because he's one of those cunts who will only leave a woman alone if he thinks that she "belongs" to another dude. Christian picks Ana up from the office and all his interfering assholery from earlier is forgotten because he's SO SEXY and they end up banging in the lift on the way back up to the apartment and I can't help thinking that they must both be dying from friction burns at this stage.

Over dinner, Ana tells Christian that he was right about Jack but assured him that he backed right off once he knew that her boyfriend was THE Christian Grey. She then points out that Christian has to let her fight her own battles and stop interfering with her job and says that if he can do that she'll move in with him. Because that definitely won't put his controlling tendencies into overdrive.

Next thing, Taylor arrives (yay Taylor!) to tell Christian that Elena is on her way up and announces her before she comes into the room because this is Downton Fucking Abbey, apparently. Elena is surprised to see Ana there and apologises for barging in. It turns out she's being blackmailed, but they only talk about that for a few lines and when Ana leaves the room, they then spend a page and a half talking about how great and strong Ana is. People keep saying how strong and bright and funny Ana is throughout the book, despite there being little to no evidence of any of those things. JUST BECAUSE YOU KEEP TELLING US SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE  IT TRUE, EL JAMES.

After Elena leaves, Christian and Ana argue about her, with him shouting at Ana to let it go, but can you IMAGINE what he'd be like if Ana had an ex that she was friends with who turned up unannounced at her house? He'd go into full-on gamma rage murder-frenzy for fuck's sake.

Ana goes to bed and then wakes up at two in the morning but Christian isn't there. She wanders out to find him playing the piano, which is almost exactly the same as a scene we were already put through in the first book, but this series is nothing if not repetitive.

"Why do we fight?" he whispers, as his teeth graze my earlobe.

Because you're an emotionally stunted fuckwit who tries to control his girlfriend's every move, ignores her wishes, constantly manipulates her and flies into a rage on the rare occasion that she shows a bit of backbone? Maybe? No?

They end up banging on the piano and it's essentially the scene from Pretty Woman with some oral sex thrown in, culminating in the two of them boning on the lid. Which is a great way to wreck a piano's tuning.

He hovers over me and I'm panting, gazing up at him with raging need, and I realize he's naked. When did he take off his clothes?


The next morning, Ana asks Christian if he has any happy memories of his childhood. Behold his answer:

"I recall the crack whore baking. I remember the smell."

The smell of baking or the smell of the crack whore? What do crack whores even smell like? Apart from crack?

As they're both being driven to work by Taylor, Christian gets a call from Elena and it appears that the blackmail threat was from her sub as part of a sex game, so that whole drama of her calling over to the apartment and Christian and Ana arguing over it and then angry-fucking WAS COMPLETELY POINTLESS. THANKS FOR WASTING OUR TIME, EL JAMES.

Ana gets cranky when she realises that it's Elena calling Christian again, but he brings her around by sucking and biting her little finger. Anyone else would probably ask him what the fuck he's doing, but this is Ana.

Whoa! He has a hotline to my groin, I gasp and glance nervously at Taylor and Sawyer, then at Christian, and his eyes are darker.


Ana gets to work and has a really dumb conversation with Claire the receptionist, who is black so Ana is totally cool with her talking about how hot Christian is (because she's super-cool to minorities, remember).

Your boyfriend is so dreamy, Ana," she says, her eyes glazing over.
I am tempted to roll my eyes at her.
"He's not bad looking," I smile and we both start laughing.

Whereas any time a white girl has so much as looked at him, Ana's inner monologue has been filled with "stop looking at MY BOYFRIEND, you WHORE!" type thoughts.

Jack is all snappy with Ana, because he knows there's something going on at the senior levels of the company, but doesn't know the details. (You see, Christian's sociopathic purchase of SIP has been embargoed - wooo boring corporate intrigue.) He asks Ana to keep an ear to the ground, but says it in the most dickish way possible: "I know how you girls talk," as if he's Don Draper and the women in the office are the fucking typing pool.

Ana and Christian exchange more stupid emails, with hilarious and sexy subject lines like "Wet Hardware" because they still haven't grasped the idea of texting. Later on in the day, Ana gets a call from Kate's brother Ethan, who has come back from the seemingly endless Barbados holiday that Kate is on and says he'll drop into the office to borrow Ana's keys to her and Kate's place. Claire calls Ana when he's there at reception, saying "You sure know some hunky guys" even though no one actually talks like that. Ana gives the keys to Ethan and they arrange to meet for dinner with Christian that evening after work.

Christian meets Ana outside the office at six and hey! "He's wearing his gray pants, my favourite ones that hang from his hips - in that way." Welcome back, hanging hip pants! We've all missed you terribly.

When they pull up outside Ana and Kate's apartment, Christian has to take a call so Ana runs up to get Ethan, who has left the door open for her. Except he hasn't, because when Ana gets inside, Leila is waiting for her in the kitchen with a gun. Finally! Where the hell have you been, Leila!

I'm 100% rooting for the unhinged would-be assassin at this stage.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Fifty Shades Of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 7)

Exciting news! The inaugural Image.ie Blog Awards were on last night AND I BLOODY WON BEST WILDCARD! So I want to say a massive, massive thank you to everyone who voted, it was such a fun night and so brilliant to win. Although I managed to miss the winners group photo, because I was outside at the time, being a wildcard. It's pretty much my excuse for everything now.

I've been blogging for around seven years (I literally remember when all this was fields) and every so often I'd get nominated for something, which is always lovely, but I'd never win and I'd tell myself that awards don't really matter. But to be completely honest, I wanted a goddamn trophy. (The stolen Best Political Blog trophy from the 2011 Irish Blog Awards on a shelf at home doesn't count.) And now I finally have one! And it says Red Lemonade on it and everything! I'm so delighted and well done to all the other bloggers on the night.

And now, onwards to volume seven!

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6)


Christian and Ana get dressed and Christian is wearing a "cable knit sweater" draped "artfully" over his shoulders like the complete dickhead he is. We're then put through a completely pointless and excruciating two pages of car shopping because Christian has decided that Ana needs a new car now that her Audi is covered in paint. He brings her to a Saab garage, asks her what colour she wants, overrules her decision and then Ana tells us he's "God's gift to women". In which case, God really hates us, you guys.

They go for lunch, because YOU MUST EAT ANA, so Christian drives them to the marina.

"We'll eat here. I'll open your door," he says in such a way that I know it's wise not to move, and I watch him move around the car. Will this ever get old?

Nahhh, abusive relationships in which you have to modify your behaviour to the point that you can't let yourself out of a parked car without fear of your partner flying off the handle are SO SUPER GREAT!

They walk arm in arm along the waterfront to the bar where they'll be eating.

"So many boats," I murmur in wonder.

Imagine! BOATS. In a MARINA. You can tell she went to college.

In the bar, they're greeted by a dude called Dante, who knows Christian and who Ana describes as "black and beautiful" and decides "I like him immediately." I just want to point out that back when Ana first met Franco the hairdresser a few chapters ago, she said "Franco is small, dark and gay. I love him." ANA IS TOTALLY COOL WITH MINORITIES AND GAY PEOPLE YOU GUYS, SHE'S SO GREAT.

Then there's an incredibly depressing exchange between her and Dante that shows just how beaten down and Christian-dependent she is.

"What would you like to drink, Anastasia?"
I glance at Christian, who regards me expectantly. Oh, he's going to let me choose.
"Please, call me Ana, and I'll have whatever Christian's drinking."

Apart from the fact that she's in a situation where she's surprised to be "allowed" to choose what she wants to drink, when she's actually given the opportunity she automatically defers to Christian anyway. BUT THIS BOOK IS SOOOO FUCKING ROMANTIC AND HE'S HOT SO IT'S FINE. I swear to god. I should be drinking shots while reading this steaming pile of wank.


They have chowder and beers for lunch, during which they actually talk like normal people, about things like their favourite films and books and stuff that you'd normally cover on a first date. Afterwards, Christian brings Ana to his big shiny catamaran called The Grace, after his non-crack whore mother and there's a guy already on board called Liam McConnell, or Mac as he's known.

"How's she shaping up, Mac?" Christian interjects quickly, and for a moment, I think he's talking about me.
"She's ready to rock and roll, sir," Mac beams. Oh, the boat, The Grace. Silly me.

Anastasia Steele. Too stupid to live.

Christian gives Ana a tour of the cabin and it's the usual EL James style of description, where, for example, the bedroom "is all pale blue linen and pale wood". Almost every goddamn time she describes a person or a place, it's always "all" something or other. "The ballroom is all chandeliers and monkey butlers", right now I'm "all foaming mouth and repressed urges to punch things." It really gets on my tits.

They sail to some nearby island and Mac promptly goes ashore in a small boat because it's time to make way for some fucking and apparently Ana is "so bold" and "so brave" because she unzips her boyfriend's pants. SUCH COURAGE. SOMEONE NAME A NATIONAL HOLIDAY AFTER HER, QUICK. Two pages of riding later, they finally finish when Christian, as usual, tells Ana to come. I think almost every sex scene ends with Christian saying "That's right...give it up for me" or some variation thereof. And another weird thing is the amount of times he says "come" to Ana in regular conversation. If they're going anywhere or doing almost anything, Christian will take her hand and say something like "Come, let's eat", "Come, let's go" or just "Come," like he's training a dog. He does it 48 times! And that doesn't even include the times that they're boning!

After all the boat sex, Ana lies there looking at Christian getting dressed, and does her "I can't believe this man is mine" thing, which I think she's done after every single sex scene so far. We get it Ana. You can't believe it.

Would I leave him now that he’s admitted he loves me? I gaze up into his clear gray eyes. Could I ever leave him again – no matter what he did to me? Could I betray him like that? No. I don’t think I could.

NO MATTER WHAT HE DID TO ME. That's one hell of a chilling line. And for argument's sake, what if it's not something he does to Ana? What if he drops-kicks a puppy right in its cute little puppy face? WHAT THEN, ANA?


Also, this:

He is an exceptional lover, I'm sure - though of course, I have no comparison. But Kate would have raved more if it was always like this; it's not like her to hold back on details.

Yes Ana, you're the most specialest lady in the world and the sex you've been having is the most amazing sex in the world and far better than anything stupid Kate might have ever had.

When they're getting off the boat, Ana thanks Christian "shyly", even though they've been constantly banging throughout this book so I find it hard to believe that it's even possible to be shy at this point. And then this is Ana saying goodbye to Mac: "I shake his hand shyly." STOP BEING SO FUCKING SHY YOU UNBELIEVABLE PAIN IN THE HOLE.

Oh! But! Important detail! We find out that Taylor's first name is Jason. That's about the only interesting thing in that whole chapter.

They go for dinner and Ana asks Christian if he has any friends, which he doesn't because he's an unbearable prick. Or busy with his company, whichever. Ana then brings up the playroom and is disappointed when Christian says he doesn't want to take her there again, because she left him the last time he did. Ana can't seem to make up her fucking mind, because she didn't want all the BDSM stuff earlier and now she's disappointed that Christian is actually giving her what she said she wants. Also, at this point in the book, the word "carefree" has been used three times within half a page. That poor editor, locked in the boot of EL James's car.

When they get back to Christian's apartment, he gets all tense and back on the lookout for Leila, so he reverts to being all snappy at Ana.

But his attitude makes me smile. I want to hug myself - now this man, all domineering and short with me I know. I marvel that I would have found it so threatening only a week or so ago when he spoke to me this way. But now, I understand him so much better.

Oh it's TOTALLY FINE, because now she's USED TO IT. THAT'S SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER. I SWEAR TO GOD. THIS BOOK.


When they get upstairs, Ana jokes with Taylor about how she was Mrs. Taylor the previous night, as they had checked into the hotel using his name. Christian gets angry because he's a jealous man-baby and takes Ana aside, saying "Don't be friendly with the staff or flirt with them. I don't like it." WAHHH STOP BEING NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE, YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO ME.

Ana mentions that she's getting her clothes ready for work the next day and Christian acts like she's just announced that she's off to ride Taylor.

"Work!" Christian exclaims as if it's a dirty word, and he releases me, glaring.

He tells Ana he doesn't want her to go to work and they argue back and forth, with him telling her that she doesn't need to work for a living (because he's so rich! He sets fire to hundred dollar bills to light his cigars! Which are wrapped in money!).

"Do you think I'm going to stay here twiddling my thumbs while you're off being Master of the Universe?"
"Frankly...yes."

A regular day at the office for Christian.

They eventually agree that Ana will go to work, but she'll be accompanied by Sawyer. (Not Taylor, now that he's on Christian's shitlist for smiling at Ana.)

He takes Ana on a tour of the apartment, so we can see all the rooms that EL forgot to include in the first book, because this place is like the fucking TARDIS or something.

Along with the playroom and three spare bedrooms upstairs, I’m intrigued to find that Taylor and Mrs. Jones have a wing to themselves – a kitchen, spacious living area, and a bedroom each.

A wing to themselves!? Are Taylor and Mrs Jones doing it? THEY TOTALLY ARE. DETAILS PLEASE.

Also, apparently there's a wine cellar in the apartment, which is impressive seeing as it's a penthouse and therefore on the top floor, whereas a cellar by definition is below ground level. I guess when you're as rich as Christian Grey, logic and reality don't apply to you.

They end up in the library/billiards room and play a game of pool. Ana is actually quite good at it and she bets Christian that if she wins, he has to take her into the playroom again. We get a page and a half of every goddamn shot they take during their game, interspersed with Ana waving her arse at Christian while lining each one up. He wins and announces that he's going to spank her and ride her on the pool table. (Called it.)

Holy shit. Every single muscle south of my navel clenches hard.

Like her calves? Have her legs just spasmed? Wouldn't that make her fall to the floor? Dammit Ana, I thought we were making progress when you said vagina earlier, now you've gotten even more vague than "down there". MUST TRY HARDER.

****

Also: WILDCAAAARD! *kicks a table over*


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 6)

Alright, let's get this show on the road! The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can return to the altogether more fun and less rage-inducing Sweet Valley High recaps. At least the Wakefield twins have an endearing type of ridiculousness, rather than the type that makes me want to smash things and drink heavily.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)


Ana stands around in the foyer after Christian barges into the apartment, despite his security team not being finished sweeping the place, and as soon as Sawyer informs Taylor via radio that the boss has entered the place, he has to pull out his earpiece because Taylor is shouting so much. What did he say?! Give us some Taylor POV, come onnn!

While Ana is tooling around outside, she suddenly notices that the foyer is decorated with sixteen Madonna and child paintings, which sounds like something you'd definitely notice the first time you were there because it's fucking creepy.

Christian comes out the front door, announcing that it's all clear and then a few lines later says that Taylor and his team are checking all the closets and cupboards in the place for Leila. So, it's actually the opposite of all clear then, seeing as THEY'RE STILL LOOKING. But he sends Ana off to bed anyway. For fuck's sake Christian. And apparently there's no need to call the police about any of this, because that would mean this stupid subplot would be over and done with and where's the fun in that.

Ana wakes up later that night and sees a shadow at the end of her bed, which is possibly a woman. When she turns on the light, there's nothing there so she decides she imagined it. She finds Christian on the phone in his study and he looks so tired that her "heart constricts". Her heart constricts five times in this book and I'm starting to wonder if she has some kind of medical condition.

Instead of telling him about the figure she thought she saw in the bedroom, considering that there was very possibly an intruder in the house earlier, Ana spends half a page taking off Christian's shirt. They move into the bedroom, where the balcony door has been left open, although neither of them opened it and only then it occurs to Ana to tell Christian what she saw. He immediately summons Taylor, tells him to find Leila and to book them in somewhere for the night. Christian packs a bag for himself and stops Ana from going to get her own clothes, apparently she has to make do with wearing his t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, until Taylor hands her a suitcase of clothes that he packed for her, because TAYLOR IS AWESOME.

As they're leaving, Ana hugs Taylor for the suitcase and for generally being the only likeable character in this series, so OF COURSE Christian frowns and "then looks questioningly at Taylor, who smiles very slightly and adjusts his tie."
Taylor's wallet

Christian and Ana get into the car and head for the hotel that they've been booked into for the night and when Ana wonders how Leila knew the Audi was hers, Christian reveals that he bought an Audi A3 for all his submissives. Lovely. Also, while they're on the way, "Christian roars up Fifth Avenue toward the I-5", but I presume EL James means that the car he's driving did the roaring. Otherwise Christian is sitting there going "RAAARR!" with Ana next to him.

They get to the hotel and the receptionist stutters and blushes at the sight of Christian, which is how every woman seems to react to him and allows Ana to bitch about every female they encounter for eyeing up HER abusive asshole boyfrenn. (Also, Ana bestows the name Miss Flushing Crimson upon her. Because of course she does.)

Once they're in the fancy suite, they drink some brandy and bone on the four poster bed. The next morning, Christian wakes Ana up because Dr. Greene is on her way over. Even if you're on the run from a psychotic ex, there's always time for forced contraceptives! They have breakfast (YOU MUST EAT, ANA) and Christian gets narky with Ana when she jokes about whether they'll be safe wherever they're going that day. "Fifty doesn't joke about my safety - I should know this by now." To be fair though, this is also the guy who put her to bed the previous night before his apartment was fully searched for a crazy stalker.

Also, I'd just like to point out that when Christian gets cross here, "his mouth presses in a line". It happens a lot. Sometimes it's a "grim line", mostly a "hard line" and he does it 25 times in this book, which leads me to believe that he looks like this most of the time:

So fucking SEXY

Dr. Greene arrives and tells Ana that she might be pregnant because she stopped taking her pill when she left Christian and makes her do a pregnancy test, despite the fact that they've been using condoms since getting back together. Oh and she waits until AFTER the pregnancy test to ask Ana when her last period was. She doesn't seem like a very good doctor, to be honest. Way to unnecessarily freak out your patient. (Ana isn't pregnant of course, although I could have told her that.) After that though, Ana doesn't listen to a word the doctor says about the injection she's going to give her because she's too busy thinking about how terrible it would be to have to tell Christian she was pregnant. Even though she isn't. And then she proceeds to be all weird with Christian and it doesn't really make any sense because you'd think she'd be super relieved to not be pregnant, but instead she's in bad form. 

She eventually tells Christian what Dr. Greene said and when he's also relieved that she's not pregnant she gets all snappy with him and when he points out that she's in a bad temper, he says:

"My natural inclination is to beat it out of you, but I seriously doubt you want that."

WHAT AN AMAZING GUY.

They take a shower together and he gets Ana to carefully wash off the lipstick lines on his torso, which seem to have survived numerous sex scenes and the charity event at his parents house. He could do with taking more showers, really. Ana starts crying because he's so SAD and BROKEN and then Christian says overwrought things like "I'm a husk of a man. I don't have a heart."

Neither did this guy, but at least he wasn't a dick about it.
Then, after loads of build-up, he tells Ana that he loves her (well, she says "You love me" and he says "Yes I do") and it's all framed to be this huge deal but at this stage I'm just like GOD. WHATEVER. NEXT.

The following two pages are then taken up with Ana drying Christian off with a towel and telling us how AMAZING and WONDERFUL everything is now.

Gazing at us both in the mirror - his beauty, his nakedness and me with my covered hair - we look almost Biblical, as if from an Old Testament baroque painting.

This line is actually hilarious, because Old Testament paintings are dark as hell. In fact, if you Google "Old Testament baroque painting", the image results consist almost entirely of murder scenes and severed heads. Seriously, try it. It's a bloodbath. A chiaroscuro Caravaggio bloodbath.

And Caravaggio doesn't fuck around.
More banging ensues, but thankfully we're spared the details due to a paragraph break. While they're lying in bed afterwards, Ana asks Christian if he knows anything about his biological father, but he doesn't. Although he does know that it wasn't his mother's pimp and then reveals that the pimp discovered his mother's body and just left Christian there with her until the cops came, and then he breezily changes the subject. Apparently Christian has a surprise for Ana, so he tells her to get dressed and her inner goddess swoons while Christian walks around in his boxers. 

Speaking of which, let's check in with Ana's inner goddess, shall we? She makes a massive 56 appearances in this book, so I'll just list the dumbest ones.

She:
  • is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication
  • strokes her chin gently in quiet contemplation
  • cheers loudly to the rafters
  • is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars
  • does three backflips over the gym floor
  • purrs with pure pleasure
  • has found her voice and is shouting from the rooftops
  • performs a perfect triple Salchow in her ice skates
  • jerks awake suddenly, all disheveled with a just-fucked look
  • is bouncing around like a five year old
  • tackles Ana's subconscious to the floor
  • performs a quick arabesque
  • stomps off pouting, her arms crossed like an angry toddler
  • is limbering up in the background, doing her floor exercises 
  • grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango (I'm pretty sure you need more than one person for that. Idioms don't come out of nowhere, like.)
  • backflips over her chaise longue
  • is clapping her hands in glee like a small child
  • pouts provocatively
  • pops her head out of her bunker
  • is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes
  • is on her knees, naked except for her panties - begging
  • fist pumps the air above her chaise longue
  • performs four arabesques and a pas de basque
  • has resurfaced after her evening of rocking and weeping in the corner and she's wearing harlot-red lipstick
  • somersaults round her chaise longue
  • is stripped naked and standing in line, ready and waiting
  • has already scissor-kicked onto the table and is watching him with adoration
It turns out most of them are dumb so that's almost every appearance. I left out all the ones where she's writhing on her chaise longue, because that happened a lot and got boring FAST. The chaise longue alone makes ten appearances for fuck's sake. Unfortunately a piano doesn't get dropped on her fucking head at any point.

Ana's subconscious manages to put in an impressive 52 appearances but spends most of them hissing and snarling and glaring at Ana and has an armchair instead of a chaise longue. She's the half moon glasses-wearing buzzkill to the inner goddess' fun-loving idiot sex pixie.

And both of them can fuck right off.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 5)

Alright! It's this week's 50 Shades Day!

LET'S DO THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

(Catch up: Vol 1, 2, 3 and 4)


So, all the lipstick drawing naturally leads to yet another sex scene, identical to most of the previous ones, full of "Oh baby", "I want you", foil packets and "Oh my", as per usual.

Amount of times Ana says "Oh my" altogether: 40 (Forty. COME ON.)

Foil packets: 15

Let's talk about foil packets for a minute. I mean, surely it's not REALLY necessary for EL James to inform us of "the telltale rip" of a goddamn condom wrapper every single time Christian and Ana bang. Every time! At this stage you kind of have to wonder if there's some manner of Pavlovian response deal going on here. Like, if Christian rips the foil on a microwave dinner, or, like, some tin foil, is Ana just automatically taking her pants off? Worth investigating, surely.

Anyway, after all the sexy sexing, Christian whips off his condom "dropping it unceremoniously on the floor beside the bed" because he's gross as well as a terrible person. His poor housekeeper, having to clean up his spoogy carpets. Bleh.

"I hate those things. I've a good mind to call Dr. Greene around to give you a shot."

Hey, cool, have your girlfriend forcibly injected with birth control hormones without even consulting her first. ROMAAAANCE. After a little while, the subject of Elena comes up again when Ana starts touching his chest along the agreed lines.

"My past is my past. It's a fact. I can't change it. I'm lucky that you don't have one, because it would drive me crazy if you did."

Oh, ok, so he's telling Ana to get over the fact that he has a past, but if she had one it'd be the biggest deal EVAR? Yeah that sounds totally fair and not at all like a ridiculous double standard. Fucker.

They're supposed to be going to some big charity event that evening at Christian's parents' house, so Ana gets ready, putting on fancy clothes from the wardrobe that Christian had stocked for her, taking care to tell us exactly how much her new underwear, dress and shoes all costed. Then Christian arrives into the room with the ben-wa balls from the last book and has clearly decided that an evening where she has to hang out with his parents is the perfect time to stick them into Ana.

Before they leave for the charity thing, Christian gives Ana a decorated mask (the one on the book cover, in fact) because the event that night is a masquerade ball. Then Christian shows her the library in his apartment that EL forgot to include in the first book, which has a pool table in the middle of the floor. I can't think of any reason for this bit, other than introducing the pool table so they can angry-bone on it later.

In the car on the way to the gala thing, Ana asks Christian where he got the lipstick from earlier.

He smirks at me and points toward the front. "Taylor" he mouths.

What? Really? Is Taylor a secret ladies man? Or into drag? Either way, I want to know more. Taylor is easily the most interesting character in this entire series. MOAR TAYLOR.

They get to the party and there's a fuckload of boring descriptions of everything, including how many entrances there are to the dance floor. For real. I know any time I read about a fictional party, my first thought is to hope there's enough fire exits. Anyway, Christian's sister Mia appears and brings Ana over to her friends to introduce them.

I shoot a quick panicked glance at Christian, who shrugs in a resigned I-know-she's-impossible-I-had-to-live-with-her-for-years way, and let Mia lead me over to a group of four young women.

I mean, introducing people? At a party? HOW BLOODY INAPPROPRIATE. GODDAMMIT MIA, YOU LEAVE PRINCESS ANA ALONE.

They sit at their table with Christian's parents and Ana is introduced to his grandparents.

"Grandmother, Grandfather, may I introduce Anastasia Steele?"
Mrs. Trevelyan is all over me like a rash. "Oh he's finally found someone, how wonderful and so pretty!"

Like a rash. This is how Ana reacts to someone's GRANDMOTHER being NICE TO HER.


For some reason, we get the entire pretentious dinner menu listed on one of the pages, because "oh my" and "holy fuck" can only fill up the word count to a certain point, I suppose. It actually really annoyed me because it's so pointless, even though I'm really into George RR Martin describing every bit of food going in A Song Of Ice And Fire. Although I suppose the major difference there is engaging and enjoyable writing, compared to EL James and her mission to ruin sex and the English language for everyone.

Ana decides she's had enough of the sex toys currently inside her (because she's still got a cooch full of ben-wa balls, remember) and gets up to go to the bathroom. Christian "darkly" says he'll show her the way (he says most things "darkly"), but Mia insists on taking Ana, so he sits there and sulks because he doesn't get to bang his girlfriend in the bathroom at his parents' party.

There's a list of auction prizes (which, like the menu, we pointlessly get the entirety of) and one of the items is a weekend in Aspen, donated by a Mr. C. Grey. Taken aback, Ana asks Christian if he owns the place in Aspen (the basement of which is presumably filled with the bones of Colorado cheerleaders). "He nods, surprised at my outburst and irritated, I think." WHY. Why would he be irritated by that? I hate this fucking guy so much.

The bidding moves on to the Aspen weekend and as it's about to go for twenty thousand dollars, Ana suddenly bids the twenty four thousand that Christian put in her account and wins. I have no idea why she does this. She's just paid for a weekend at Christian's own house.

Of course, her first thought is how mad Christian is going to be and true to form, he leans over to Ana with "a large fake smile plastered across his face" and whispers in "a very cold, controlled voice":

'I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."

Instead of finding that completely fucking terrifying, Ana finds it totally hot. Yeah, fake rictus grins and a cold, controlled voice are exactly what gets a girl going, apparently. Christian then takes her hand and puts it on his lap, so she can jack him off through his pants AT THE TABLE WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS. NO.

Their wildly inappropriate fondling is interrupted by Mia dragging Ana towards the stage for the First Dance Auction, which is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of the girls at the party line up on stage so rich men can bid on a dance with them and the MC refers to the women as "comely and compliant wenches", which is gross. The girls before Ana all go for around four or five thousand dollars and when it's her turn a mystery stranger gets into a bidding war with Christian, resulting in Christian winning the auction with a one hundred thousand dollar bid. Ana is standing there, telling us how mortified she is, but if anything I feel bad for the girl who went for three thousand earlier. Sucks to be her.

After the meat market auction there's a bit of time before the dancing kicks off, so Christian takes Ana up to his old childhood room for some spanking and banging, during which he says "This is going to be quick, baby". Between that and "put the chicken in the fridge", Christian really needs to up his dirty talk game. They go back outside for the dancing and after the first song, the mystery dude from earlier arrives to cut in and turns out to be Dr. Flynn, Christian's therapist. Who he surely shouldn't be hanging out with at social occasions, I would have thought.

"I'm glad to finally meet you, Anastasia. Are you enjoying yourself?" he asks.
"I was," I whisper.

Remind me again why everyone is so crazy about this rude, whiny, discourteous little bitch? Seriously. She's just awful. Later on, when she's alone, Ana is confronted by Elena, who tells Ana that Christian obviously loves her and that she's never seen him like this before.

A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?

At this point I actually shouted, quite loudly, "NO! NONE OF IT FUCKING IS!"

NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS LOVE. THEY ARE ALL CHRISTIAN THINKING HE OWNS YOU.


Anyway, Elena continues and says that she's happy for the two of them, but if Ana hurts Christian again, she'll come after her and...I dunno, beat her up or something? She just says "I will find you, lady, and it won't be pleasant when I do." At this point, Ana actually gets her sass on and surprisingly manages to stand up for herself instead of running off crying and biting her lip or whatever.

"Christian and I have nothing to do with you. And if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I'll be waiting - don't doubt it. And maybe I'll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen year old child you molested and probably fucked up even more than he already was."

We'll just breeze past the part where Ana appears to be threatening to have sex with Elena. She storms off and finds Christian, who says he'll talk to Elena and asks Ana not to let the encounter ruin their evening. Then while Ana is in the bathroom, he rings Elena, telling her to back off, even though she's like, right over there. They can probably see each other while they're talking on the phone.

At midnight there's a fireworks display and while Christian and Ana are in the crowd, Taylor and the extra security guys that Christian has hired due to Leila are milling around. After the show, Christian mentions that the fireworks have probably aged Taylor by a hundred years. Has he got PTSD? Was he in the army? Seriously, why can't this book be about Taylor instead?

Ana is tired so they decide to leave the party and say goodbye to Christian's parents.

"Please do come again, Anastasia, it's been lovely having you here," says Grace kindly.
I am a little overwhelmed by both her and Carrick's reaction.

Overwhelmed. By people being polite to her. Which is far more than she deserves.

Fortunately, Grace's parents have retired for the evening, so at least I am spared their enthusiasm.


As Christian and Ana head back to the car, Christian says that the following day "Dr. Greene is coming to sort you out." Sort her out? Fuck you, buddy! Ana asks why and what follows made me so angry that I almost smashed my iPad.

"Because I hate condoms," he says quietly. His eyes glint in the soft light from the paper lanterns, gauging my reaction.
"It's my body," I mutter, annoyed that he hasn't asked me.
"It's mine too," he whispers.


THE FUCKING FUCK IT IS, YOU ABSOLUTE COCK. YOU DID NOT JUST TELL A WOMAN IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THAT HER BODY BELONGS TO YOU. SOMEONE BRING ME MY WALLOPING STICK.

I'm not sure what's worse though, Christian legitimately thinking he owns Ana's body, or her reaction to that rage-inducing reply.

Yes, my body is his...he knows it better than I do.

Would it too much to ask for the aforementioned paper lantern to explode in flames and set both of these assholes on fire? Or for Leila to jump out from behind some bushes and murder the fuck out of both of them? Come on Leila, step it up a notch for fuck's sake.

When they get into the car, Sawyer (new security man working with Taylor) hands Ana a note that has been addressed to her. It's from Elena, and says that they've misjudged each other and to call her if she needs to "fill in any of the blanks". Of course, what they should both do here is just ignore Elena, but I somehow doubt that's what's going to happen.

They get back to Christian's apartment, but Sawyer stops them from entering, as he has just been informed that someone has slashed the tyres of Ana's Audi and thrown paint all over it. It was clearly Leila's doing, so the security team want to be sure that she isn't in the apartment. Christian goes in too, leaving Ana outside with Sawyer, and says that Leila can't have gotten in, even though she did just that while he was in Georgia, but hey. Oh and also, Taylor is going in through the service entrance with two other security lads called...for real...RYAN and REYNOLDS.

You rang?
This book is truly the gift that keeps on giving. I mean, it's a terrible gift that no one asked for, but it sure does give.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Queen of Hearts

Drag superstar, self-proclaimed court jester "whose duty is to say the un-sayable" and national fucking treasure Panti Bliss is the subject of the perfectly-titled documentary in progress, The Queen of Ireland. The filmmakers have been following the fabulous Panti for the last few years and will continue up to next year's referendum on equal marriage. It's ALSO going to chart the behind the scenes goings-on of Panti's life, which will include this year's Pantigate, when she called out the Iona Institute for being the jerkbags they are and recorded the amazing Noble Call speech in the Abbey Theatre.


It all sounds super exciting and I just want to watch it now. However, the post-production and equipment and licensing and all that type of stuff needs dolla dolla bills y'all and as such the team have got an IndieGoGo page where people can donate to help with the funding. The rewards include fun stuff like a thank you in the credits, t-shirts, badges and a download of the finished film.



There's seven days left to go for the funding deadline, so if you've been meaning to get involved and throw a few quid towards this glittery sparklebomb, well now's the time! It's going to be like a really fun, shiny and equality-driven episode of Reeling In The Years, without the IRA bombings and U2 songs. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

And even if you weren't aware of this project, then how could you not want to help a documentary about someone who went on the Maury Povich show for a "back to boy makeover", pretending to be Katherine Lynch's brother and slipping cigarettes and pep talks to teenage tearaway show guests between filming? AND had David Quinn and John Waters (the shite John Waters) clutching their pearls and crying into their lawyer's wigs? I mean, really.

You can donate HERE and you SHOULD because it's going to be deadly.

The Queen of Ireland is also on Facebook and Twitter.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 4)

Look at that! I wrote a post about Electric Picnic earlier in the week and NOW ONE OF THESE! I've never been this organised in my life, but I did say back along that I'd endeavor to post a shady Shades post once a week and dammit I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

Also, please vote for me in the Image Blog Awards if you haven't already! Thaaanks!

(Catch up on previous volumes here: 1, 2 and 3.)

Let's do this thing!


Understandably enough, Ana is not happy to be in the place where Christian has clearly brought all his former subs to be groomed and waxed and polished to his liking, like some sort of sex steaks and where his former lover now appears to be working. Although Ana being Ana, this is how she describes her unease:

My scalp is trying to leave the building. It’s prickling with apprehension, and my subconscious is screaming at me to follow it.

Which just makes me picture her hair trying to make a break for it, dragging her along through the door after it. Follow that scalp, Ana.

She watches Christian talk to Elena (Mrs Robinson if ya nasty) and tries to figure out what's going on.

She nods, and I think she's wishing him luck, but my lip-reading skills aren't highly developed.

I know, Detox. I know.
Christian says goodbye and makes his way back over to Ana, who is furious at this stage and says she wants to go. Christian is baffled by her reaction and genuinely doesn't seem to understand why she isn't totally delighted to be there. Ana storms out and Christian follows her.

She points out how messed up the whole situation is and Christian admits that she's right and runs his hands through his hair. He does it a lot in this book. Fifteen times, in fact. It's the new "pants hanging from his hips". While they're talking, his phone rings and he has another snappy conversation where we hear him say things like "Killed in a car crash? When?" in amongst lots of dot-dot-dot bits. While this is going on, Ana contemplates how amazingly special she is.

People bustle past us, lost in their Saturday morning chores. No doubt contemplating their own personal dramas. I wonder if they include stalker ex-submissives, stunning ex-Dommes and a man who has no concept of privacy under United States law.

Christian eventually finishes up and Ana has to make him tell her what's going on. It turns out that Leila left her husband three months ago and ran off with a guy who was killed in the aforementioned car crash four weeks ago. Christian then tells Ana to gets in the car and come with him back to his place, seemingly forgetting that he and Ana were in the middle of a conversation, until Ana reminds him. Amazingly, the world doesn't pause itself when he takes a phone call. He says they're going back to his place and Ana's like "eh, no, I'm getting a haircut, jerk". So Christian arranges for a hairdresser named Franco to come to his apartment and tells Ana that she's coming with him, even if he has to drag her there by her hair. How lovely! HOW ROMANTIC. EXCUSE ME WHILE I SWOON.

We glare at each other - and abruptly he sweeps down, clasps me round my thighs and lifts me. Before I know it, I am over his shoulder.

I swear I could illustrate this whole mess solely through the medium of Drag Race gifs.
Apparently passers-by in Seattle aren't concerned by the sight of a man throwing a woman over his shoulder and carrying her down the street while she screams, because the people around them just stare instead of doing anything, which doesn't really seem like real life as surely at least one person would be calling the cops right about then.

He finally releases Ana from his caveman grip when she agrees to go with him and she suddenly realises that something drastic must have happened with Leila for him to get so freaked out all of a shot. Christian (again, after much convincing because he doesn't seem to think that Ana's wellbeing is any of her business) tells her that Leila has gotten a concealed weapons permit, apparently without a background check. Many other people online have pointed out that that would actually be pretty much impossible, as background checks are mandatory in the state of Washington and after Leila's suicide attempt, there's no way that would actually happen for real. But this book doesn't concern itself with pesky and unsexy things like facts. Facts are for squares.

Ana's anger disappears at the thought of Christian being hurt, even though, newsflash idiot: Leila is gunning for you too. Self-preservation is also for squares.

On the way to Christian's place, Ana asks about Elena and is told that she runs the beauty salons and Christian is a silent partner. She was a bored trophy wife and helped him out back when he dropped out of Harvard, loaning him money to start his first business. He also mentions that her then-husband wouldn't let her work.

"You know, he was controlling. Some men are like that." 
He gives me a quick sideways grin.
"Really? A controlling man, surely a mythical creature?"

HA HA HA. BECAUSE CHRISTIAN'S CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR IS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL A CAUSE FOR CONCERN.

Also, while they're talking about Elena, during her narration of the conversation Ana refers to her as "Mrs. Extraordinarily-Glamorous-In-Spite-Of-Being-Old" and it's like...she's only in her late thirties or possibly early forties, you little bitch. My god, she's practically DECREPIT.

They get to Christian's apartment and we find out in passing that Taylor has a daughter. Ana asks about her, while Christian stands by impatiently and CHRIST he's just so fucking rude to everyone that works for him. He goes off to make some calls, so Ana wanders up to her room in the apartment and rings her mother. She tells Ana that her and her husband Bob are thinking about moving to Vegas from Georgia and Ana's self-involvement can pretty much be summed up by her reaction to this news:

Oh, someone else has problems. I'm not the only one.


Christian finds her and she finishes up talking to her mam immediately, even though she's had to wait around for ages every time he takes a call. Franco arrives to cut Ana's hair and speaks in a Super Mario accent the whole time and is, like, super-gay so he manages to avoid being choke-slammed into the wall by Christian for touching Ana.

After her haircut, Christian asks Ana if she's still mad at him and when she says yes, he suggests that they have sex instead of talking about it. He's intent on fucking all their problems away. Ana says no, so they decide to talk about it over lunch.

"I'm hungry, and not just for food" is what Christian says. You see, his go-to attempt at flirty humour is to pretend that he's confusing sex with food and he does this ALL THE TIME. He's practically Oscar Wilde.

Before lunch though, he explains that his repeated outrageous invasions of Ana's privacy is totally fine, because he does background checks on ALL his submissives. Because that's SO much better. He shows Ana a folder with her name on it that contains her birth certificate (which there is absolutely no good reason for him to need) and a bunch of other stuff about her, but it's fine because he doesn't MISUSE all the information that he collects about these women. In his filing cabinet. HE LITERALLY HAS BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN.

Ana points out that he does in fact misuse these details, as he put a load of money into her account that she expressly did not want. But it's ok, says Christian because he's SUPER RICH and the money meant nothing to him. Because, again, her feelings on the subject are irrelevant.

"Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour."

THEREFORE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.


Ana makes a Spanish omlette for lunch, while dancing around to Beyoncé in the kitchen. Buzz Killington then arrives and switches the music to I Put A Spell On You.

I watch him, enthralled as slowly, like the predator he is (NOT A GOOD THING), he stalks me in time to the slow sultry beat of the music. He's barefoot, wearing just an untucked white shirt, jeans and a smouldering look.

So again, fully dressed. Also, someone "stalking" their way across a kitchen in time to music would look totally ridiculous and it's just yet another time that Christian is supposedly being devastatingly sexy, whereas in real life you'd actually laugh your ass off at him.

They eat their tortilla and then Ana goes to her room to look up multiple personality disorder on her laptop, because of Christian's mad mood swings. Seriously. Oh yeah, and she "fires up Google" again, because she's like a hundred years old when it comes to technology. (Although that's actually not fair to elderly people. My Grandad is in his nineties and on Viber for god's sake.)

Christian arrives into the room and they have some playful chit-chat about serious mental illness. Tee hee. He then produces a tube of red lipstick (that he just had lying around, I guess?) and suggests that they draw the boundaries he has when it comes to Ana touching his chest, as he's been freaking out every time she so much as glances at his torso from the beginning. He takes off his shirt and gets her to draw a bunch of lines on him, cordoning off all the bits around his still-mysterious cigarette burn scars and it takes, like an entire page of dicking around before it's done.

It looks like he's wearing a bizarre skin-coloured vest with a harlot red trim.

Don't you hate it when someone shows up wearing the same outfit as you?
Ana also throws out yet another "holy fuck" mid drawing session, so will we take a look at the amount of times she comes out with one of her annoying exclamations? Let's.

Holy cow: 38
Holy fuck: 29
Holy crap: 7
Holy hell: 7

Aaand for fun, the amount of times the word "crap" appears in the entire book: 34

Fitting, really.

 
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